Good ’n’ bloody ’n’ cheap, the martial-arts movie Shaolin vs. Manchu begins with a five-minute introduction of all the various Shaolin kung fu styles. Only then do we get to the (as the uproarious trailer puts it) “excellentent plot,” in which the young monk with the entirely indigenous name of Rocky (Ling Man-hoi) is selected to be the Shaolin temple’s new chief abbot.

This move pisses someone off, so Rocky is wrongly accused of rape and thrown out of the monastery with broken feet, but only after a nighttime attack by ninjas, one of whom has an exposed butt crack. It’s all a setup by one of the crooked prince’s spies, of course, so Rocky must clear his good name, oust the evil abbot and retrieve the Shaolin’s stolen relics.

Does he succeed? You know the answer. But I bet you didn’t know a Manchu warrior gets drunk to the point where he dumps a bowl of greens on his head and laughs about it. C’mon, admit it. —Rod Lott

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Part kick-’em-up revenge tale and part sappy love story (guess which part I didn’t care for?), Fists of Fury director Lo Wei’s To Kill with Intrigue begins with Cao Lei (a long-haired Jackie Chan) ruining his father’s 60th birthday celebration by breaking the news that the evil Killer Bee Gang is on its way to kill them all, presumably with intrigue. Bummer.

Things get weird when a phalange-challenged magic ghost shows up first, bemoaning, “Return my hand! Return my hand!” before jumping from here to there in split-second timing, through the high-tech filmmaking miracle technique known as “frame removal.” Then things get bloody when the aforementioned Bees buzz in and kill everyone, with intrigue, except for Cao Lei.

Prior to the attack, Cao Lei feigns disinterest in his pregnant girlfriend so she’ll skip town and, thus, be safe. But she runs into the arms of a not-so-nice guy who, it is revealed with no surprise, is a rival clan leader. So Cao Lei must save her, but first he is nearly killed (with intrigue) and then brought back to his vital self by his enemy, a scar-faced woman who then scars him, making his face look like he has an expired Steak-umm glued to one side.

Only then does Cao Lei fight the bad guy. Initially, his blows land to no avail, but soon he finds the man’s weak point and kills him. With intrigue? You betcha. —Rod Lott

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The story behind Miami Connection would be more compelling than the story of Miami Connection, if the movie had one. As is, characters aren’t introduced so much as they just show up, and plot elements are established, only to be abandoned immediately. This, of course, is why you should watch it. Thanks to someone at Austin, Texas’ legendary Alamo Drafthouse buying a 35-mm print off eBay on a whim, the world can.

An independently funded blend of martial arts and crime, it concerns a band of five metaphorical brothers who attend college by day, rock nightclubs as Dragon Sound by night, and practice tae kwon do in between, sometimes onstage during their performances. Dragon Sound’s synth-laden numbers have the appearance of being for adults, even if their lyrics read like Zig Ziglar and Dale Carnegie cut a record: “Friends through eternity, loyalty, honesty / We’ll stay together through thick or thin / Friends forever, we’ll be together / We’re on top because we play to win.”

The rock group booted from the club in favor of Dragon Sound doesn’t take the diss lightly, so its members order the peaceful quintet of black belts to be killed. Somehow, this comes to involve a clan of black-robed ninjas brandishing very sharp swords, a cocaine ring, a guy with a beard that appears to have been swiped from a G.I. Joe doll, a motorcycle gang, various gym rats with beer bellies and, perhaps most notably, a missing father. Don’t miss the dramatic mail-opening scene!

Leading the guys of Dragon Sound — all of whom live together — is Mark, played by producer Y.K. Kim, a real-life inspirational speaker who barely speaks English, yet nabbed the starring role and co-wrote. As with everyone else in the picture, he cannot act, but his sincerity shows through to a point of infection. Whereas some might find his unconvincing fake-the-guitar skills as horrific, I found them charming. It’s about the only Connection that Miami manages to make.

After a violent and bloody 80 minutes, the movie ends with the sobering title card, “ONLY THROUGH THE ELIMINATION OF VIOLENCE CAN WE ACHIEVE WORLD PEACE,” so there. —Rod Lott

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This poorly dubbed (and, therefore, highly entertaining) slice of Bruceploitation tells the true story of Bruce Lee straight up, with no BS — except that the character is never called Bruce, he looks like nothing like Bruce (who didn’t wear a beard) and skirts all the details. In true Hong Kong fashion, the film remains reverent to the legend via distorted facts and wacky-ass sound effects!

As soon as the “biopic” begins, meager paperboy Bruce Lee But Not Bruce Lee (played by Bruce Li) is persuaded by pals to enter a karate tournament. He does, wins and is immediately approached by some American schmoe who simply says, “Hello. I am producing The Green Hornet program this fall on NBC and I’d like you to have a part. Are you interested?” and then walks out. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is storytelling.

A Dragon Story then chronicles Bruce’s quick rise to fame as the star of Fists of Fury and The Chinese Connection, although both go unnamed. He also forgets about his wife and kids back in the States in favor of a boozy, slutty actress named Betty Ting Pei, with whom he shares a tender coitus scene to the tune of a disco-funk instrumental of “I Heard It Through the Grapevine.”

The whole thing is just an excuse to get to some kicking, and what little martial arts they show is pretty unspectacular. But at least one fight scene is set by a swimming pool so all four of Bruce’s enemies can conveniently fall in! Dat shit funny! During another fight scene, a bug slowly moves across the lens.

Before he dies in Betty’s home from a bangeroo headache, we are treated to the film’s defining moment: a syrupy, Cantopop love ballad with the lyrics, “I trimmed my long hair for you / And I keep them short also for you / The style never change / Be ever faithful, my darling / To our love they tangled together / Leaving scents on the pillow / My heart now belongs to you / Never let me despaired.” For this alone, A Dragon Story kicks the crap out of Hollywood’s big-budget Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story. —Rod Lott

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Jimmy Wang Yu’s Master of the Flying Guillotine begins with a monkey-owning blind old man learning that his two disciples have been killed by the One-Armed Boxer. This makes him mad, so he jumps out of his house — through the roof, mind you — burns it to the ground and grabs his flying guillotine, that blasted basket-and-blades contraption that tears heads clean from their bodies.

The blind man goes in search of each and every one-armed man he comes across, and then promptly beheads them. As a result, there’s an absurd amount of three-limbed fellas in this epic, which is simply one of the best martial-arts films ever.

Wang Yu, however, is the one the blind guy is, um, looking for. He’s a kung fu teacher who can walk on walls and ceilings. They almost meet up at a kung fu tournament where all sorts of miscreants battle each other to the death, including an Indian man with long, retractable arms like Reed Richards of The Fantastic Four!

When Wang Yu and the blind man do meet, it’s one helluva finale in a booby-trapped coffin shop. But the action is good ‘n’ plenty throughout all of Guillotine, including a fight on a flame-broiled floor where one poor sap is barefoot. There’s no shortage of flying fists, drunken monkey antics or rolling noggins in this killer flick — and with a Krautrock theme song, no less! —Rod Lott

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