I’ve never been able to stomach more than a minute of ei Independent Cinema’s softcore efforts, like Spider-Babe, The Lord of the G-Strings, Kinky Kong and Play-Mate of the Apes. Not being 13 years old, I don’t see the appeal. Surprise then, to see one that’s actually kinda clever, at least by their low standards: Shock-O-Rama.

It helps that it’s interested in a lot more than simulated lesbian sex scenes. Writer/director Brett Piper (perhaps most notable for They Bite) pays loving tribute to horror anthologies in a joyful, drive-in style. It’s like asking, “What if Grindhouse were made for $7.49? Plus tax?”

In the wraparound, Misty Mundae practically plays herself: a Z-grade movie actress. She’s fired by her producers, who then have to screen other films to find a new starlet to fill her void. Cue the stories, one involving aliens in a junkyard; the other, skanks undergoing a scientific experiment (that’s where most of the T&A lay, FYI).

The wraparound becomes a story in itself as Mundae resurrects — and then is pursued by — a zombie. The proceedings never take themselves seriously, which is wise considering the bar for acting is set pretty low. Piper pulls off some good effects, too, on an apparent Big Lots! budget. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

If you like horror movies and are familiar with the films of Barbara Steele and don’t like them, go to your room right now. You’re in time out until I tell you it’s okay to rejoin the human race.

The Ghost was her fifth spook show and a sequel of sorts to the previous year’s The Horrible Dr. Hitchcock, also directed by Riccardo Freda. In this one, Elio Jotta co-stars as the paralyzed and dying Dr. H. His wife and her lover, Dr. Livingstone (Peter Baldwin), decide to bump him off so she can inherit his fortune and they can spend it.

But the not-so-good Dr. Hitchcock is no sooner in his tomb than he is out of it again, seemly haunting the couple, especially his wife. Such a waste of good poison, too.

Freda — who deserves to be remembered with Dario Argento, Mario Bava and Lucio Fulci — creates suspense with nothing more than sound, things you think you see, outstanding production design, Steele’s gorgeous face, and a budget of about $17. But come on, all you really need is Steele’s face.

If you don’t know her work, shame on you, but you can catch up with some of her early pictures, all easily available on DVD. Look for Black Sunday (1960), The Pit and the Pendulum (1961) and Castle of Blood (1964). No scream queen was ever better at facially registering a variety of emotions at once. Hell, no scream queen was ever better, period. —Doug Bentin

Buy it at Amazon.

It ain’t Creepshow — heck, it ain’t Creepshow 2, either — but Drive-In Horrorshow is better than most of your no-budget indie features. The fright anthology’s tongue-in-cheek framing device is that a rundown, ill-attended drive-in staffed by monsters who show the five short features.

“Pig” finds a young woman taking revenge on the frat boy who drugged and violated her. “The Closet” houses a toothy creature that proves convenient for the little boy who feels wronged by his family members. “Fall Apart” centers around a flesh-eating virus, giving the film its best (read: sickest) effects, while “The Meat Man” and “The Watcher” fall into the subgenres of urban legends and slashers, respectively.

Director/co-writer Michael Neel gets an A for effort, but a C+ for execution, as the segments run a little longer than needed and are need of cutting to accelerate the pace. None are scary, unless you’re … oh, let’s say 10 or under, but will appeal to fans of DIY horror. It sure doesn’t skimp on the gore. Its end credits, however, assault your ears with horrible, terrible music. —Rod Lott

Part of the Ghost House Underground series of DVDs, Dark Floors is a Finnish fright film about a haunted hospital. Single dad Ben (Noah Huntley) is there trying to get help for his autistic daughter, Sarah (Skye Bennett), when the MRI machine starts smoking. The girl babbles about wanting a red crayon, which is at least markedly less expensive than a pony.

They get on the elevator with the nurse and a handful of other people, then get off to an empty floor. It’s like the whole place has vacated, but all the doors are locked and their communication devices won’t work. Why? Lordy, it’s Lordi!

Being American, you may ask, “WTF is a Lordi?” Apparently, it’s a heavy metal band in which its members dress in demonic costumes. (Think GWAR, minus the name recognition.) They’re hiding out in the hospital to kill off the humans, one by one, growling all the way.

Director Pete Riski gets some good effects out of what looks to be a sizable budget, particularly the first ghost sequence, but sad to say, the flick is boring while you wait between appearances of the various monsters. It’s kind of like watching an elevator count down floors while you’re in it: You’re barely paying attention.

Ding.

Ding.

Ding.

—Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

Georges Franju’s moody horror classic Eyes Without a Face — or Les yeux sans visage, if you want to be pretentious about it — follows the trials and travails of noted surgeon Dr. Génessier (Pierre Brasseur) as he struggles to find a face for his daughter, Christiane (Edith Scob), who lost hers in a gruesome car crash.

To that end, Dr. G sends out his loyal secretary, Louise (Alida Valli), to befriend lovely young women and bring them back to his spooky estate, where they’ll knocked out and tied to the surgical table, drugged and become not-so-lovely. In a scene once censored, we see in gory detail just how unkind his cuts are.

The French film is spooky, thanks mostly to Christiane’s mask, a blank stare that no doubt influenced Michael Myers’ emotionless cover. Franju aims for a marathon, not a sprint, with deliberate pacing that gets you involved with the characters. In other words, this is an intelligent film that just happens to appeal to base senses, with evocative photography and a memorable score, which sounds like the theme from Curb Your Enthusiasm on Percocet.

It’s to the film’s credit that you’ll not think of the Billy Idol song of the same name throughout. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.