Rather famously, producer Dino De Laurentiis lost hundreds of millions of dollars in the late ’80s dropping bomb after bomb through his then-new De Laurentiis Entertainment Group. Among DEG’s epic critical and commercial failures? The too-late sequel King Kong Lives, the James Clavell adaptation Tai-Pan and the garbage-bag gimmickry known as Million Dollar Mystery.

As bad as those movies are, what does it say about the ones DEG deemed unreleasable? In particular, I speak of the Pat Morita/Jay Leno vehicle Collision Course, which drove direct to video in the U.S. in 1992, after sitting on Dino’s shelf for what I now understand to be not nearly long enough. My guess is De Laurentiis thought he could make Leno, then a white-hot stand-up comic, into the next Tom Hanks. In one fell swoop, Leno went from killing it on Late Night with David Letterman to killing his chances at headlining further films.

As Detroit police detective Tony Costas, the skunk-haired Leno is objectively terrible in this buddy-cop disaster opposite Pat Morita as Fujitsuka Natsuo, Costas’ Tokyo counterpart. In Japan, a rogue engineer for an automotive giant has stolen a turbocharger prototype and made his way to the Motor City to sell it to an American rival; Natsuo follows. Inevitably, cultures clash — until they team up.

Leno is laughable at playing a tough guy (!), and not at all laugh-worthy with, one assumes, improvising his dialogue. For example, surprising Natsuo by emerging from behind a door with gun drawn, Costas offers the nonsensical greeting “Hey, hey, we’re the Monkees.” He may as well have just said, “Crunch all you want! We’ll make more,” because at least we have evidence Leno was comfortable with that.

In another scene, Natsuo is interrogated by Costas’ colleague (Al Waxman, Iron Eagle IV), who says, “I speak some Jap: Toyota, Mitsubishi, Kawasaki, teriyaki,” which is clever and hilarious — or so say second graders on the playground at lunch. The line is not just indicative of how the script (by producer Frank Darius Namei and The First Power’s Robert Resnikoff) treats Morita’s race, but also the degree of humor at which said script simmers: the lowest possible setting.

Pity poor Morita, reduced from an Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor to running around a hotel lobby with a plastic garment bag over his head. I mean, at least the guy found work between Karate Kid sequels, but ouch. Another actor who deserved better: Tom Noonan, here as a villain after embodying evil in Michael Mann’s Manhunter, one of the few DEG projects enjoying a life today. Did Dino weasel Noonan into some bad-guy twofer deal?

Appropriately opening with the sound of a car wreck, Collision Course marks an odd entry in the filmography of Lewis Teague, the Roger Corman protégé known for horror films (Alligator, Cujo and Cat’s Eye), not comedy. This dud bears no stamp of his previous proficiency. —Rod Lott

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Is Hollywood out of touch? In 1993, Fay Sommerfield investigated as much for the newsmagazine show she anchored, That Time of the Month. So goes Sex, Shock & Censorship in the 90’s, a made-for-Showtime parody of then-topical targets — mostly among the entertainment industry itself — and presented under the guise of a major network’s then-ubiquitous shows like PrimeTime Live and 20/20. Sommerfield is played by Shelley Long (The Brady Bunch Movie), which dates this special as much as its subjects.

Knowing it’s written by Michael Barrie and James Mulholland, the duo behind 1987’s hysterical sketch film Amazon Women on the Moon, I hoped for something of a satirical close sibling. Initially, I got just that from a pair of fake movie trailers spoofing yuppie-paranoia sex thrillers and killer-babysitter horrors, both cleverly featuring a shot of the great Dan Hedaya (Clueless) shouting through the phone. Occasional cutaways to movie critic Malcolm Maltved allow Paul Benedict (Waiting for Guffman) an impressive showcase for a simultaneous impersonation of Leonard Maltin and Michael Medved.

Faye’s visit to the producer of these pictures (Peter Jurasik, Problem Child), however, falls as flat as day-old Tab. The same goes for a cringeworthy, Ebonics-laden profile of Spike Lee-esque director Butch Jones (MADtv’s Phil LaMarr) of Kiss My Black Butt Productions, as well as a Last Temptation of Christ parody called The Last Supper. It’s flat-out awful, with Jesus (Murphy Brown’s Robert Pastorelli) and his apostles at a mob-style Italian restaurant, where they re-enact some of Martin Scorsese and Brian De Palma’s greatest hits.

As Sex, Shock & Censorship shifts its eye and arrows to television, things don’t improve. The one exception is Thinkin’ About Tomorrow, an over-the-top politically correct sitcom about an über-liberal suburban nuclear family. For example, when her young son cheers John Wayne murdering Native Americans, Mom (Newhart’s Julia Duffy) turns off the tube and scolds, “No more pre-Lawrence Kasdan Westerns for you.”

Otherwise, The $49.95 Club, a mix of televangelism and QVC, holds potential, but never achieves it. Ratman & Frisky channels Ren & Stimpy’s cartoon vulgarity with a mouse basically played as a gay-baiting Howard Stern. The best that can be said about the Martin Mull-hosted game show Love Thy Neighbor is that it foretells ABC’s Wife Swap. And who thought a spoof of HBO’s sex-comedy series Dream On was a good idea? It’s not, but has one amusing touch, as a receptionist (Playboy model Lisa Boyle) dances topless, yet the nipple pixelation can’t keep up with her gyrations. The less said about the Vanilla Ice-esque music video by white rapper Stinx on Ice (Alex Winter, Bill & Ted Face the Music) … well, I’ve already said too much.

With National Lampoon’s Favorite Deadly Sins director David Jablin at the helm, Sex, Shock & Censorship moves at a surprisingly sluggish pace for an hour crammed with so many segments. Long makes a terrific host throughout, but her comedic gifts only go so far against weak material that wastes the talents of Robert Hays, Paul Bartel, Curtis Armstrong, Kenneth Mars, Nora Dunn, Tracey Walter, David Naughton, Chris Lemmon, Greg Evigan, Stacey Nelkin, Kimberly Beck, Prof. Irwin Corey and, debatably, Artie Lange. —Rod Lott

Originally intended by Hollywood to star Cyndi Lauper and Dan Aykroyd, the feature film Vibes instead stars Cyndi Lauper and Jeff Goldblum. While both Aykroyd and Goldblum are the quintessential movie nerds, each would have played the character of Nick Deezy very differently, with Goldblum’s being the perfect blend of lost and delirious that the movie needed.

Aykroyd, on the other spectral hand, made a date with The Couch Trip instead.

After meeting in a New York University study on parapsychology — I think — psychics Nick and Sylvia (Lauper) become engrossed in the seemingly drunk Harry (Peter Falk) and his tall tales of mental riches in South America. But with Nick’s memory of objects and Sylvia’s ghost-whispering, they find out it’s just some get-rich-quick scheme, all the while somehow falling in love. Somehow.

Aykroyd, on the other spectral hand, made a date with The Great Outdoors instead.

Once Nick and Sylvia, along with Harry, make it to Ecuador, so does a weird, chubby German guy with a real name made out of baby words I will not type here. As he tries various ways to assassinate them, including a strange sexual imposition from seductress Elizabeth Peña, it turns out to be a plot by an NYU professor (Julian Sands).

Aykroyd, on the other spectral hand, made a date with Caddyshack II instead.

Directed with a heavy hand and a birdbrain toward the weird by Ken Kwapis as his follow-up to Sesame Street Presents: Follow That Bird, this film is most famous as Lauper’s bid for silver-screen stardom crashed and burned; maybe a better film would be how being in such a mediocre movie would trap her on an Trivial Pursuit: Totally 80s card.

Aykroyd, on the other spectral hand, made a date with My Stepmother Is an Alien instead. —Louis Fowler

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Hoping to follow AIP’s Beach Party to a box-office bonanza, Warner Bros. made its own film following that hit’s formula with one glaring exception: setting it nowhere near a beach. In fact, Palm Springs Weekend posits that each Easter weekend, horny college students from Los Angeles would rather flock to the California desert county for “sex, sand and suds.” Technically speaking, viewers get one out of the three.

That Scorchy Connie Stevens takes second billing as Gayle, an 18-year-old posing as 21. Vying for her affections are rich asshole Eric (Robert Conrad, then fresh from TV’s Hawaiian Eye with Stevens) and Texas good ol’ boy Stretch (Ty Hardin, 1967’s Berserk). Also converging at the same hotel — at which no one has reservations — is L.A.’s top collegiate basketball team, including a lemon-faced, banjo-strumming goofball named Biff (Jerry Van Dyke, TV’s Coach) and a future doctor (Phantom Gunslinger Troy Donahue) who takes kindly to the local chief of police’s daughter, Bunny (a brunette Stefanie Powers, Die! Die! My Darling!).

Directed by Sergeant Dead Head’s Norman Taurog, Palm Springs Weekend packs itself with so many people and so many storylines, it fails to give accurate time to let any of them play out to a point we recognize as “plot.” And that’s okay, because it’s a helluva good time. When your big set piece is Biff accidentally spilling a bottle of detergent into the hotel pool (fulfilling the promise of “suds”), your movie isn’t aiming any higher than the funny bone. In that aspect, the Technicolor fantasy succeeds in matching the genial Beach Party — and we do mean “genial,” not “genital,” as Connie copies Annette by being wound Timex-tight.

But wait — there’s more! Among the mugging, pratfalling fray are an uncredited Linda Gray, Dawn Wells, Bugs Bunny and future Tarzan Mike Henry; a pre-Lost in Space Billy Mumy as a 9-year-old from hell; the great character actor Jack Weston (Fuzz) as the team’s coach; a casino-gigging Modern Folk Quartet singing its big hit (?) about an ox driver; and a bespectacled young man (Mark Dempsey, Valley of the Dragons) who hiccups every time he thinks about sex. If any character does the deed over the Weekend, it’s not apparent. However, with a smile and a wink, Bunny’s cop father (Andrew Duggan, In Like Flint) does insulate he was quite the date rapist in his day. —Rod Lott

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I saw more flicks on cable in the ’80s than anywhere else, especially on HBO. One of those movies happened to be The Heavenly Kid, a twice-a-day film, typically catching it both in the late morning and early evening. I was that way with a lot of movies, mind you, but this one was, for the most part, different.

Sure, it had the sex and drugs and all that, but it also had an early-’60s juvenile delinquent named Bobby (Lewis Smith) who, after a dragstrip race gone bad, comes back to earth to help a kid named Lenny (Jason Gedrick) become a world-class chick-scorer; he’s doing this all in the name of getting to “Uptown,” by the way.

But while Lenny is becoming the teen king — or, at least, the teen prince — of cool, Bobby learns that not only is Lenny his son, but Bobby has to grow up and, figuratively, become a man so his son will live to fight another day. When I was a kid myself, I thought that that was a neat little riff, but all grown up now, I can kind of see what director and writer Cary Medoway was trying to say.

I mean, sure, it was in a teen sex comedy, but there’s a lesson about maturity somewhere in there, I promise.

At the time of release, right after he appeared in the anachronistic sci-fi flick Buckaroo Banzai, Smith was poised to be a big name, only to star in the TV-movie version of David Bowie’s The Man Who Fell to Earth before fading into semi-obscurity. It’s kind of a shame, really, because he could’ve been a big star. At least I think so.

Instead, Gedrick, Jane Kaczmarek, Richard Mulligan and future starlet Nancy Valen — whom you may remember in infomercials for the Thigh Roller, Thin ’n Sexy Body Wrap and Kevin Trudeau’s Debt Cures “They” Don’t Want You to Know About — seemed to have any career. But, in the ’80s, this heavenly kid thought Smith was as cool as cool got, with this movie being an absolute revelation. —Louis Fowler

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