Already convinced by previous viewings that Chained Heat was the ne plus ultra of the storied women-in-prison genre, what surprised me the most when I recently revisited it was the realization that television producer Tom Fontana totally ripped it off when he created the infamous HBO prison drama, Oz.

Don’t believe me? Well, Oz told the tale of the misery and corruption found in a men’s prison and focused on characters like Tobius Beecher, an otherwise law-abiding everyman who ran over a kid while drunk behind the wheel; Vern Schillinger, a cruel, dangerous Aryan who set his sights on Beecher’s ass and made it his own; and Kareem Said, a highly educated Muslim who frequently fought for control of Oz’s black prison population.

And Chained Heat? It tells the story of the misery and corruption found in a women’s prison that focuses on characters like Carol Henderson (Linda Blair), an otherwise law-abiding everywoman who ran over and killed a man by accident; Ericka (Sybil Danning), a cruel, dangerous Aryan who sets her sights on Carol’s ass and tries to make it her own; and Duchess (Tamera Dobson), the Vassar-educated queen bee of the prison’s (frequently mentioned, but largely unseen) black prison population.

Plus, in both, none of the prisoners ever wear bras. And I mean never ever!

Sadly, the only version of Chained Heat currently available on DVD is a butchered, 88-minute cable edit that keeps most of the nudity (hooray!), but none of the violence (boo!). Despite this, it remains the greatest example of perhaps the most truly exploitative exploitation genre there is, and its influence clearly lives on.

And did I mention how it’s devoid of anything even remotely resembling a bra? —Allan Mott

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On the cover its DVD, no less a cinematic authority than Quentin Tarantino is quoted as saying, “If we’d grown up in Australia, BMX Bandits would have been our Goonies.” There are two problems with this proposal. The first is that as far away and foreign as Australia may be, I strongly suspect the folks who grew up there consider The Goonies to be their Goonies. The second is that Quentin is one of those film nerds who likes to insist shitty movies are better than good movies, because anyone can like a good movie, but only a true connoisseur can appreciate a shitty one.

I’m one of those annoying film nerds, too, but even I wouldn’t go so far as to call BMX Bandits a forgotten or misunderstood classic. What it is is a well-shot, vibrantly colorful, low-budget kids’ movie filled with folks who sound funny when they talk and at least one future redheaded, botox-addicted, Aussie superstar.

Nicole Kidman stars as Judy, a 16 year-old BMX enthusiast who — along with her friends P.J. and Goose — gets caught up with bank robbers when the three of them “find” (that is to say, steal) the box of special walkie-talkies the (other, older) thieves need for their daring robbery. When the thieves kidnap Judy, P.J. and Goose band together with their town’s BMX-loving teens, bring down the bad guys and use the reward money to build the bike track of their dreams.

The characters are quite well-drawn and the boys’ obvious romantic affection for their gangly ginger friend is believably portrayed, but never allowed to supersede the plot or action. Special props have to go to director Brian Trenchard-Smith who does a lot with a little and managed to make a film that’s nowhere as memorable as The Goonies, but pretty damn good nonetheless. —Allan Mott

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Heads up, everybody: In Faster, the character known only as Driver (Dwayne Johnson) just got out of doing 10 years in the slammer for a bank robbery, after which his fellow criminals double-crossed him and murdered his brother. He’s making a list, checking it twice, gonna be up on their asses like white on rice. He’s armed with maps, a gun and a super-speedy Chevelle. Faster, Dwayne Johnson! Kill! Kill!

His spree of revenge ain’t that easy, though, what with two people on his tail. One is Killer (Oliver Jackson-Cohen), a British hit man; the other is Cop (Billy Bob Thornton), a, well, um, cop. As with all cinematic officers of the law, Cop’s nearing retirement. But he’s also addicted to smack, so there’s that.

Despite the screenwriters putting zero thought into naming their characters, Faster is no generic actioner. In fact, it’s fast, furious and fairly no-holds-barred, with Driver never hesitating to raise his weapon, pull the trigger, and launch a bullet clean through his target’s forehead. Director George Tillman Jr. (Notorious) goes for a slick look, but also one that’s down and dirty along its edges, echoing the great revenge pictures of the 1970s.

The concept is simple — a little too simple, which accounts for the occasional padding. Tom Berenger has one scene upfront as the warden. Lost loser Maggie Grace shows up in her underwear. Carla Gugino is another cop, which the movie doesn’t need, but I’m cool with it, because I love to look at Carla Gugino. The same cannot be said of Dexter second banana Jennifer Carpenter, who has a cameo as a stick with a crooked mouth. —Rod Lott

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When I heard a straight-to-video sequel to the 2003 actioner S.W.A.T. was right around the corner, the special weapons and tactics unit in my pants became visibly mobilized. That being said, S.W.A.T.: Firefight has absolutely nothing to do with the first one. Sure, there is a S.W.A.T. team present, but it’s a whole new cast, led by Gabriel Macht (The Spirit) as Cutler, a by-the-book S.W.A.T. superstar in L.A. who, through a student-exchange program sponsored by Homeland Security, is sent to Detroit to train a ragtag group of misfits to adapt to the fast paced-world of post-9/11 S.W.A.T. procedures and practices. (Personally, I would’ve just built a RoboCop. But I think outside the box.)

The first hour and 10 minutes is the best damn training video you’ve ever seen, something you’d watch on your first day on the force. It’d be called So You Think You Got What It Takes to Be in S.W.A.T.? From hand-to-hand combat to target practice, it’s all here and occasionally filmed first-person video-game shooter-style, which is fun for us, but might cause impressionable youths to shoot their classmates.

While all this is going on, Robert Patrick minimally toys with the crew, in a bid for poorly plotted revenge: He’s an ex-CIA spook who is pissed they kinda-sorta-but-not-really killed the woman (Kristanna Loken, for about one minute) he’s been stalking. We’ve all been there, right?

Next Day Air director Benny Boom does a good job here, especially with the material he’s given. If anything, Firefight feels like an above-average TV pilot for a new S.W.A.T. television incarnation, which I’m sure would air on CBS after JAG: The Next Generation and NCIS: Surf Patrol ’11. Oh, and that iconic Barry De Vorzon theme? A few bars of it show up dutifully over the opening credits, and proceed to disappear, never to be heard again. However, they had plenty of room for rapper Tony Yayo’s “S.W.A.T. 2,” which manages to prove everything un-hip white people have said about hip-hop absolutely true in only three minutes. —Louis Fowler

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The one thing you have to know about the misunderstood masterpiece that is Bitch Slap is that you shouldn’t go into it expecting to see a whole lotta nipples. You will see at least two (by my count), but since they don’t belong to any of the three scorchingly hot protagonists, many confused genre enthusiasts have chosen to denounce the film as a failure.

They are morons. Do not listen to them. Instead, do what I did and listen only to the rock-hard, throbbing critic in your pants. Seriously, if you can make it through Bitch Slap without having to adjust yourself in order to accommodate a prolonged and painful tightness, you’re either a eunuch, a girl, a homosexual or so incredibly and specifically jaded in your perversions, the only chance of finding what you need can be found at www.balloonpoppingplushymilfsquirters.com. It’s the purest form of cinematic Viagra I’ve ever seen, and the fact that it achieves this distinction without overdosing on nips and pubes should be praised, not derided.

A joyous pastiche of all that is great about genre cinema, Bitch Slap essentially plays like a greatest-hits collection of all your favorite movies from Memento and The Usual Suspects to Kill Bill and Sin City, ad infinitum. But most of all, the film is a celebration of the badass femme fatales best epitomized by Russ Meyer’s Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

The plot is essentially unimportant — a slender thread upon which to hang its vast collection of references and homages — but the cast is key to the flick’s success. As its trio of dangerous vixens, Julia Voth, Erin Cummings and America Olivo will sear themselves permanently into your consciousness, each one representing a different kind of archetypal hotness. Voth plays the doe-eyed innocent, trapped in the body of the world’s sexiest stripper; Cummings is the calm, voluptuous professional, dressed to kill in a pencil skirt and fishnets; and Olivo is the psychotic hothead in the tight leather pants with the killer abs. Whatever your personal kink, one of them is guaranteed to linger in your dreams.

Unless you only get off on blondes. In which case, you can go fuck yourself. —Allan Mott

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