Roger Moore’s seventh go-round as James Bond doubled as his last, and proof that it was time for him to go occurs almost immediately in A View to a Kill. During the otherwise fine ski-and-snowmobile-chase prologue, Agent 007 knocks out a couple of Russian goons by snowboarding into their faces, at which point the soundtrack blasts a soundalike version of The Beach Boys’ “California Girls.” Never mind this scene takes place half a world away from the Golden State — it’s that anyone thought that joke was a good idea is what we should be worried about.

One Duran Duran title sequence later, the real story begins, with blimp-loving French industrialist Max Zorin (Christopher Walken, awesome as ever) plotting a microchip monopoly by striking Silicon Valley. 007 poses as a reporter to get close to Zorin and his mannish henchwoman, May Day (pop singer Grace Kelly, frightening as ever) — one of Bond’s four sexual conquests within a tedious two hours and 11 minutes, including a hot-tubbing Alison Doody (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade) and Virginia Slims-voiced blank slate Tanya Roberts (The Beastmaster).

Every time Bond is called upon to do more than throw a punch, workmanlike director John Glen (Octopussy) uses an obvious stunt double for Moore, then nearly 60, and the hair color doesn’t even match. Still, this does not keep the action set pieces from impressing — from a foot pursuit up the Eiffel Tower that becomes a car chase on the ground, to 007 swinging from an errant fire engine ladder through heavy traffic. The climactic Golden Gate Bridge finale is less notable, due to dated effects.

And speaking of dated, that Communism and the KGB loom over the film as big baddies is almost charming in a post-Cold War era. Moore’s inability to even try, however, is not. Look for Maud Adams and Dolph Lundgren in blink-and-miss-’em cameos; I missed ’em. —Rod Lott

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Equal parts Rush Hour and Rumble in the Bronx, Jackie Chan stars in The Accidental Spy as a mild-mannered fitness equipment salesman thrust into a world of espionage after he foils a bank robbery. He’s then recruited by an impressed government to play spy games involving drugs and chemical agents, and learns his dying father — whom he never knew — was quite the secret agent himself.

Like father, like son … except the son is Jackie Chan, so one can expect a heaping side of shenanigans with that derring-do. Therefore, there’s a great scene where Jackie escapes from the bad guys all while rigging their fortress to come tumbling down. This is one-upped by the climactic tanker-truck-on-fire set piece.

But the highlight has him running naked from a spa through a crowded outdoor market, trying to fight off a horde of pursuers while attempting to protect his modesty. The mix of humor and pathos isn’t always an easy one, as if the globetrotting Spy can’t decide which way it should lean. However minor in the grander scheme of Chan’s career, it’s still a solid homegrown effort that showcases his aging form ably. —Rod Lott

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As the opening credits immediately inform you, this Italian crime film stars Lee Van Cleef. Midway through these credits, it informs you again, flashing “STARRING LEE VAN CLEEF” on the screen several times in rapid succession, as if to say, “Can you believe it? How lucky are we? I mean, c’mon! Lee Van friggin’ Cleef!”

Van Cleef plays a gangland boss who gets himself thrown in prison for some reason (perhaps the car bomb rigged to detonate with the insertion of an 8-track tape?), then he wants out, but is sent to death row, so he has to break out to get revenge on the goombahs who killed his brother.

He does all of this with the help of an easygoing criminal fella who wears a wide array of gawdy suspenders, has a girlfriend with large Italian breasts and positively has a nonsexual crush on Van Cleef. The guy is played by The French Connection‘s Tony Lo Bianco, but he acts like Tony Danza. Hell, he should be Tony Danza, playing Tony Danza. His character, in time-honored Tony Danza fashion, is even named Tony! Tony Danza and Lee Van Cleef — oh, Lord, what we shall never have …

I can’t say I understood all of Escape from Death Row (HOLY SHIT! STARRING LEE VAN CLEEF!) but for its sheer, goofy Italianness — and its inclination to reprise its haunting horn-and-piano theme every two minutes — I sure enjoyed it. One minute, Lee is tossing a live hair dryer into an enemy’s bathwater; the next minute, they’re being chased by the police in a pursuit so wacky and pratfall-laden, the only thing it lacks is Jerry Reed and a CB. —Rod Lott

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Deadbeat dad John Saxon plays a bounty hunter in Los Angeles — and not a cool bounty hunter like Boba Fett, but a bounty hunter like … well, like John Saxon. The first loser we see him bust is a large guy with a gay lover who plays the flute while in a Jacuzzi! Later, he accosts another target — a guy named Cookie — in a slaughterhouse, leading to an extended fight using slabs of meat!

But The Glove is really all about Saxon being offered 20 grand to bring in Rosey Grier, who has a penchant for killing prison guards who wronged him, using a riot-gear glove that pounds clean through cement, steel and metal (yet leaves a wicker laundry hamper amazingly unharmed). Despite Grier’s warnings to “step off my set, hound dog,” Saxon needs the dough, vowing to go “sniffing and licking as long as it takes.” Ewww.

It’s hard to like Saxon in many movies beyond Enter the Dragon, because he relies on overplaying the slimy, ain’t-I-smooth-with-the-ladies shtick. And although the teddy-bearish Grier is quite likable, once you’ve seen him sharing an upper torso with Ray Milland, everything else is just scraps.

The directorial debut of Sidehackers actor Ross Hagen (the Saxon of his day), The Glove could use some more glove-on-redneck action, and gets fairly meandering. But it takes itself so seriously — beginning with the opening-credit ode to the glove — it’s occasionally a laugh riot. Like the ending when Saxon’s colleague gets beaten to death with mops, kitchen pans and fists of black vengeance. —Rod Lott

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It may not be as priceless as Eegah!, but The Choppers is another unintentionally hilarious Arch Hall Jr. vehicle worthy of your time and derision.

The whiny Hall stars as “Cruiser,” a teenage punk with sculpted hair and a chassis fetish. He heads a JD gang known as “The Choppers,” whose other members are Torch, Snooper and Flip; all of them talk such thick lingo they should be carrying green cards. When they’re not hanging out at the Chick-A-Dilly, they’re hunched in a poultry truck, waiting for someone to run out of gas along a short stretch of highway, and then move in to strip — or “chop,” as the kids say — the car clean as the driver leaves to fetch fuel. (Apparently, this is an everyday occurrence.)

The Choppers then sell the parts to a fat salvage-yard owner named Moose, whose assistant is a senile fool named Cowboy, who often shoots toward the camera with his finger. If you hadn’t noticed by now, this is the kind of movie where no characters have real names.

The cops are on their trail, however, so for the big stakeout, they invite a local radio reporter to cover it as a live broadcast! It leads to a chase, a game of chicken and ultimately a junkyard shootout that looks choreographed by 8-year-olds.

If you think this story doesn’t allow time for Hall to bust out one of his ridiculous, self-penned songs on the guitar, you’re wrong! Just before the big climax, lil’ Arch takes some time out to sing “Monkey in My Hatband,” the first five lines of which go, “Come, baby / Come on, baby / Come on, baby / Come on, baby / Come on, baby.”

Yep, he wrote that all by his lonesome! —Rod Lott

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