In the opening moments of Gridlock, NYPD super cop Jake Gorsky (David Hasselhoff) foils a hostage situation with little more than a rolled quarter, a janitor’s push broom and a direct threat to a man’s testes. Trouble is, Gorsky’s part of the force’s helicopter unit, so he disobeyed a direct order to let the negotiator do his negotiating. To justify himself, Gorsky argues to his chopper partner that the guy “couldn’t negotiate a hot meal into a starving man!”

What does this have to do with the rest of the made-for-TV movie? Nothing — except to set up that Hasselhoff is basically John McClane (but, of course, isn’t). Gridlock is little more than a third-rate Die Hard clone, with Gorsky cracking wise in the face of danger and woman troubles. Hell, he even goes over the side of a tall building with a firehose tied to his waist.

That building is the Federal Reserve of New York, where his had-it-up-to-here girlfriend (squeaky-voiced supermodel Kathy Ireland) works as a tour guide. Naturally, its gold vault is the target of a team of Euroterrorists in suits and number-based aliases, led by Mr. One (Miguel Fernandes, Ghost Story). From his whirlybird perch in the sky, Gorsky susses out their plan when the bad guys blow up area bridges as distraction. He leaps into action — or as much as an NBC budget will allow — to save his lady and thwart a precious-metals heist.

Much of Gridlock finds Sandor Stern (Amityville: The Evil Escapes) directing Hasselhoff and/or Ireland to walk and/or run down this hallway or that hallway, all while random terrorists shout things like “He’s heading for the coin room!” over walkie-talkies. It’s not as much fun as Terror at London Bridge, arguably the crowning glory of the Hoff’s TV features. But you know what it is more fun than? A Good Day to Die Hard. —Rod Lott

Roughly five minutes after seeing Deep Blue Sea on its opening weekend in the summer of 1999, I couldn’t wait for Renny Harlin to make a sequel. He never did. Deep Water may be as close as we’ll get. At least Aaron Eckhart resembles Thomas Jane enough if you squint, middle-aged dad paunch and all. 

Eckhart (London Has Fallen) and Ben Kingsley (Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings) are piloting a commercial jet from L.A. to Shanghai with 257 lives aboard. That head count gets slashed by, oh, about 88% when a faulty portable battery sparks a fire in the cargo hold, setting into motion a series of unfortunate events culminating in a devastating crash in the ocean, splitting the aircraft in two (and calling to mind another of Harlin’s greatest action hits: the just-plane-dangerous Die Hard 2).

In the aftermath, first class stays afloat with Eckhart attempting to keep the peace and signal rescue; economy seating is sunk (typical!) with that section’s tail sticking out of the water, creating a pseudo-Poseidon Adventure sitch, which the movie acknowledges with a “Shelley Winters talkin’ shit” joke. But Irwin Allen forgot to surround his oopsie-daisy ship with an untold number of sharks; Harlin has not. 

So we have dual plots at work — twice as many than what most sharksploitation films allow. Although the predators are CGI and the ocean is clearly a set, Harlin is enough of a pro to make many of the attacks at least a tad exciting. Plus, to his credit (or those of the five writers), who gets chewed into chunky bits isn’t always evident. An exception by design is Angus Sampson (Insidious) as the assholiest of asshole passengers whose assholishness causes all the doom and gloom; with this asshole, it’s not a matter of if, but when. 

The disaster sequence itself, at roughly 10 minutes, is really well-done, executed with Final Destination-worthy flair (nice knowing you, Mile-High Clubbers!) that makes you think, “Is it okay I’m laughing here?” That mean streak is not incidental; in fact, I believe co-producer Gene Simmons (yes, as in Kiss) had something to do with its bloody, winking naughtiness.

It’s just a shame that for all its head-chomping and chum-churning, Deep Water pusses out in its coda by going sappy. We’re talking Cancer Kid sappy. It’s so sentimental, they’d probably have Kingsley crooning “Fly Me to Moon,” if the script already hadn’t ordered that twice before. —Rod Lott

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A radio DJ conveniently named DJ Miller is at risk for being squelched after his flame-emblazoned motorcycle is, unbeknownst to him, “borrowed” to steal a shipment of dope belonging to local drug kingpin Supermack (Lou Walker, 1979’s The Visitor). Presumably named after Super Fly, this gangster looks like that blaxploitation icon on a Whataburger Patty Melt diet.

In between ducking Supermack’s jive-talking henchmen and deposits of dynamite, Miller stops to aid a stranded female motorist. She offers to pay, but Miller refuses cash; instead, he says he’ll take it out in trade, and forces her into some backseat bangin’. Mind you, this is played for laughs. Also mind you, the woman is Supermack’s best gal, thus further enraging the smack slinger.

Al Adamson regular Geoffrey Land (Blazing Stewardesses) has no charisma as Miller, who hops around the clubs and beds of Charlotte, North Carolina, like he’s King Shit. Dude, he’s a DJ. And it’s not like we’re talking Wolfman Jack territory here. IRL, Mr. Miller would be appearing at an appliance store’s “everything must go” inventory sale, then doing spokesman duty on an UHF TV commercial for a roofing company, and maybe introducing the sneak preview of Silver Streak at the twin-screen bijou.

From Summerdog director John Clayton, the hicksploitation obscurity Redneck Miller is most likely to find favor with those who delight seeing a honky outsmart a bunch of Black guys for 90 minutes. It’s pretty dull. You really have to be into banjos, slide whistles, ahooga horns, canary-yellow bedsheets, floral-print couches, stars-and-stripes trucks, astrological necklaces, shag carpets as wall art, pool halls with Elton John posters, canned Schlitz, fake tits and those rock-hard stuffed animals people “win” at carnivals. In other words, not I. —Rod Lott

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With a title like Man of Violence, Pete Walker’s third feature gives no indication of its driving conflict: dueling British property developers. Smart move, Pete! Same goes for slapping your opening credits atop footage of a woman’s navel shot in such extreme close-up, it verges on the gynecological.

A real estate war may sound like a snore, but fear not, readers: These property bros aren’t above resorting to murder to get shit done. One side hires a freelance fixer named Moon (Michael Latimer, Hammer’s Prehistoric Women) to do their dirty work. The other side also hires Moon to do their dirty work. Moon being Moon, an opportunist crook, he plays both sides. After all, despite his tousled hair and a water pistol loaded with Heinz Tomato Ketchup, he’s got a taste for life’s finer things, and London’s clothiers don’t just give away collared tangerine shirts, luv.

The plot involves ax-clutching gangsters, a protection racket, a smuggling scheme — all a MacGuffin, as far as I’m concerned. Perhaps Walker felt the same, tasking the yowza Luan Peters (Hammer’s Twins of Evil) to deliver a chunk of exposition while undressing. (Like, are we supposed to pay attention? If so, that’s not playing fair.) Functionally, the story is more about biding time to get to the next set piece. My favorite among them might be Moon subduing a threatening passenger by braking so hard, the poor guy’s forehead smashes against the dash. Perhaps Schizo Walker felt the same, having Moon quickly drive forward and backward to brake again, over and over, making good on the film’s title. (Speaking of, its alternate one is, stupidly, Moon.)

A sign outside a club owned by one of Moon’s clients reads, “IF YOU DON’T SWING, DON’T RING.” The rhyme could double as a gatekeeper for viewers, too, as Man of Violence explores sexual kinks (hetero- and homo-) and spontaneously jet-sets to Marrakesh for the third act. This trip temporarily turns the movie into something of a freewheeling travelogue à la Harry Alan Towers’ 1960s espionage adventures (see Code 7, Victim 5!; Mozambique; Five Golden Dragons; et al.) — by no means a complaint. Walker’s conclusion bears so many twists, you’d think he’d installed a turnstile. It may be more complicated than necessary, yet also more clever. —Rod Lott

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In 2030, the hubbub in America isn’t around the morning-after pill, but the good-morning pill. The drug was developed to cure violent tendencies until its CEO, Addis (Chris Moss), realized the greater windfall stood in having it secretly cause such urges, thus increasing demand. Bwah-hah-hah!

Meanwhile, a former employee named Soul (Daniel O’Reilly) leads a small movement of highly armed revolutionaries against Addis’ greedy, grubby ways. Soul, who looks like John Travolta playing a Ken doll (or vice versa), is so committed to the movement, he initially refuses sex with his hot-to-trot wife (Marnette Patterson) so he can focus.

Like me, Censor Addiction sags in the middle, as each stage of the factions’ ongoing tête-à-tête grows protracted with heavy dialogue. Human action figure Mike O’Hearn (National Lampoon’s TV: The Movie) livens things up for a minute as an Addis fixer who feels no pain, has advanced healing properties and could be the result of entering “bicep but a person” into ChatGPT. Former pin-up model September D’Angelo also livens things up by falling to the ground rather delicately for someone violently plugged with machine-gun fire.

Censor Addiction is basically a reunion of Michael Matteo Rossi’s The Charisma Killers from 2024, right down to the appearances of Vanessa Angel, Vernon Wells, Ana Ciubara, what looks like the same living room, a familiar driveway, and wacko character names — here including Wizard, Pillar and Canvas Jones. The latter is an Addis henchman played by Bart Voitila (David DeCoteau’s The Pit and the Pendulum); he and Moss stand out by acting with the proper sodium level for the ham they’re given. That’s in step with the Addis commercials that open the movie, targeting Big Pharma with satire reaching for RoboCop-style heights. Rossi doesn’t get there, but he should try more of that. —Rod Lott

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