1. The characters work at a paper company experiencing hard economic times, to the point where their department may be shut down.

2. The boss is kind of a clueless figurehead nobody respects.

3. A talented young man is slumming it by working there, and obviously would be happier employed in a more creative field …

4. … but stays because of mousy girlfriend who also works there, but isn’t slumming.

5. A nerd wrongly thinks he’s God’s gift to women who clearly are out of his league.

6. An African-American man suddenly lands in middle management, where he oversees the plant/warehouse area.

7. A possibly crazy employee quietly dates an intern.

8. Occasional appearances by David Koechner. —Rod Lott

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1. Simply Irresistible — Buffy was awesome, huh? So awesome I paid actual money to see a terrible rom-com (by myself!) starring Sarah Michelle Gellar as a once-talentless chef who discovers her inner-Thomas Keller (Google him, non-foodies) via magical crustaceans.

2. Three to Tango — This might have been the one where the guy from Friends has to pretend he’s gay when hanging out with the girl from Party of Five, so the dude from The Practice doesn’t get jealous. Either that or it was the one the guy from Fools Rush In has to pretend he’s gay when hanging out with the girl from 54 so the dude from Texas Rangers doesn’t get jealous. I can’t remember which.

3. Eye of the Beholder — Ashley Judd plays a black-widow serial killer who offs men after fucking them. Insert male chauvinistic joke here (while I apologize for using the tired “insert _____ here” joke in place of an actual witticism).

4. Teaching Mrs. Tingle — Katie Holmes gets pissed at Helen Mirren for giving her a shitty grade. Twelve years later, she’s still pissed because Mirren’s an Oscar-winning GILF, while she’s just the chick who married Crazy McXenu.

5. The Muse — Albert Brooks plays a screenwriter who pays Sharon Stone to inspire him to greatness. I’m guessing the civil case is still in litigation. —Allan Mott

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1. Temple of Death: “FATAL FIGHTING, HUMEROUS” and “WELL GUARANTEE”
2. Deadly Strike: “STRON CASTING! NEW STRIKES! RISKS EVERYWHERE!”
3. Superfist: “FUGITIVE? DRUG TRAFFICKER? ASSASSINATION! REVENGE!”
4. Hammerfist Masters: “Featuring the Charming Lady”
5. The Mad, the Mean, and the Deadly: “Furious Fighting That Startle Everybody!”
6. Dragons Never Die: “Take your mama to see it before somebody else does!”
7. Fury of the Black Belt: “MOVABLE SIGHT IN EVERY SECOND! THE FEELING OF PRESSURE! CARRY OUT FORCE! THE QUESTION OF LOWS! IT IS AN EXPLOSIVE FILM!” —Rod Lott

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1. Lucy N. Easy
2. Sharon Spreadleggs
3. Felicia Fuxalot
4. Greta Givesgreatblowjobs
5. Lady Labia
6. Major Slut
7. Moist Vagina —Rod Lott

1. Angel Eyes — The trailer made it seem like it was a spooky supernatural romance, but it just turned out to be about some asshole who was really, really sad.

2. Rock Star — Mark Wahlberg plays a normal guy who becomes the lead singer of his favorite band, but is too starstruck to notice that no one’s given a fuck about heavy metal since The Funky Bunch ruined music for everyone. He would go on to reprise the character five years later in Invincible.

3. Kate & Leopold — Meg Ryan is so desperate to get laid (and fuck Wolverine), she decides to abandon her life and go back in time to when she couldn’t vote or own property.

4. Sweet November — Keanu Reeves pretends that a month of hot sex with a dying Charlize Theron is bittersweet instead of just fucking awesome.

5. The Musketeer — What if The Three Musketeers were just like The Matrix, only really terrible? And starred Mena Suvari?

6. Get Over It — I have no idea what this was about, but it is weird to think how just 10 years ago, Kirsten Dunst was a reason why I would go to a movie. —Allan Mott

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