—Rod Lott

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Raquel’s Hotel (1970) — Uschi runs a cheap motel, where she rents a room to an eager newlywed couple. She watches eagerly from the window outside as the two consummate their marriage. Horny, she brings the woman back to her room for some lesbo lovin’ while the husband stays behind and gets the maid from behind. Then all four get together in the same room and it’s a freakin’ free-for-all. Since all the voices were dubbed in later, this is the kind of movie where the people act mostly with their hands (or, in Uschi’s case, gigantic breasts).

Below the Belt (1971) — Quite memorably, Uschi enjoys a poolside romp in this tale of a boxer and the Mafia. She doesn’t even seem to mind the sudden entrance of a curious dog. Now that’s acting!

The Melon Affair (1972) — This goofy, harmless Italian comedy also known as, appropriately, Bang! Bang! The Mafia Gang, stars Woody Allen lookalike/soundalike Frank Corsentino in a slapstick-heavy tale of a virgin nerd who still lives with his nagging mom and dreams about sex all day. During a catering gig, he gets mixed up with the Mafia — with crazy results! Said results include a messy round of sex or two with Russ Meyer regular Haji, but for my money, Uschi steals the show as one of Frank’s daydreams, a topless nurse who smothers him with her fluffy white pillows. The reasons are obvious. —Rod Lott

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Dragon on Fire (1980) — The Dragon on Fire in question is Dragon Lee. Wacky kung fu. Shaolin strike rock fist. A fat guy sticks dishes to his boobies. Tree kicking. Whole frog soup. Attack on a parakeet. Rabid cannibal in a wheelchair. Man pisses himself. Villain tracks fights with a sand timer. Mad dog technique. Reverse-motion crawling in the grass. Slow-motion milk spurting. The hairiest toes you’ve ever seen. Who’s who? Who knows, who cares.

Golden Dragon Silver Snake (1979) — Dragon Lee headlines Godfrey Ho’s colorful Golden Dragon Silver Snake, in which everyone is at the mercy of a motorcycle gang whose members wear skinny ties and answer to a cat-throwing crime lord. There’s a semi-ingenious fight involving a guitar and a trick net hat, but that’s topped by a 15-minute fight sequence that begins at a hotel pool, moves to a playground, then atop moving boats! Plus, there’s egg fu, wheel fu, sandbag fu, electric drill fu and raft fu thrown in here and there. But the best part is when some elderly guy walks into a trap of spikes. Old people crack me up.

Rage of the Dragon (1979) — Judging from what’s onscreen, the Rage of the Dragon is rather tame. Dragon Lee sets out to avenge his father’s death, with a trusty assistant by his side who sports an enormous brown growth on his nose that is never explained. Dragon fights several baddies, including a team of masked swordsmen and a freaky-faced dude that looks like something out of Dick Tracy. There are too many characters and if you can figure out who’s who and what’s what, you win a prize: watching a better kung-fu movie.

Champ Against Champ (1983) — After a lengthy absence, young Dragon Lee returns to his hometown in Champ Against Champ, but guess who doesn’t cotton to this idea? Damn near everyone! Thus, much punching and kicking ensues. Early on, Lee loses his leg in a scuffle (see it tucked behind him?), so he fashions a new one out of steel. What does this mean for you, the viewer? One additional stock sound effect than usual. Lee then takes on a host of baddies, including a man who breathes fire, a cave-dwelling evil guy who tosses magic flowers like darts and a quartet of circus clowns wielding whirling ribbons of doom. Crazy! Like a fox!

Dragon Lee vs. the Five Brothers (1982) — Five things you need to know about Dragon Lee vs. the Five Brothers:
1. Dragon Lee is the star. He fights five brothers.
2. Look not so closely during some of the fight scenes and you’ll see the shadows of the cameraman and his crane.
3. One poor sap gets a karate chop right to the testes.
4. There’s a guy with a cool metal hand.
5. Also, a horsey. —Rod Lott

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1. Dennis Farina and Chuck Norris going undercover as garbage men

2. chase atop a moving elevated train

3. two guys try to stick up a bar full of cops

4. a female police robot named the Prowler

5. someone getting thrown over a boat

6. sax-and-synth ’80s music —Rod Lott

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