All posts by Allan Mott

Little Darlings (1980)

Little Darlings is a film that could reasonably only have been made in the period that marked the end of the ’70s and the beginning of the ’80s. This is because, like American Pie, Little Darlings is a film about teenagers making a bet to see who will be the first to lose their virginity, but unlike American Pie, it’s teenage girls who are depicted making this life-lesson-in-the-making wager.

That distinction should be enough to scare studios away from remaking it, but what truly makes it a product of its time is an earnestness and sincerity that bears no relation to the kind of movies Hollywood makes in today’s cultural climate, where 15-year-olds are allowed to dress like porn stars, so long as their hands sport a purity ring. Little Darlings is a flawed film, but one which approaches its potentially icky plot with far more care and respect than you’d ever assume based on description alone.

In what amounted to a 1980 casting coup, the film stars Academy Award winner Tatum O’Neal and two-time Emmy winner, Kristy McNichol (who just happened to be my first celebrity crush when I was 8 years old) as the titular darlings. O’Neal is Ferris, the rich girl, and McNichol is Angel, the tough girl; they quickly become summer-camp rivals and compete to “become women” by pursing Armand Assante and Matt Dillon, respectively.

Darlings‘ two female screenwriters clearly were interested more in Angel, as her story gets much more screen time, to the point that Ferris almost becomes a supporting character, but that’s probably a good thing since McNichol’s performance is the highlight and by far the best reason to search for what has now become a difficult film to find, despite its original box-office success. —Allan Mott

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No Time for Sergeants (1958)

Thanks to his legendary TV portrayals of Andy Taylor and Ben Matlock, everyone associates Andy Griffith with the small screen, but movie buffs would be wise to make the effort to seek out the films he made before he became everyone’s favorite single dad/small-town sheriff. Chances are, you’re at least familiar with his dramatic debut in Elia Kazan’s A Face in the Crowd (where his dark performance as TV host Larry “Lonesome” Rhodes is more frightening now than it was in 1957), but you’d do just as well to begin with the following year’s service comedy No Time for Sergeants.

A film adaptation of a play based on a book, No Time for Sergeants casts Griffith as Will Stockdale, a poor Georgia farm boy drafted into the Air Force. Like Forrest Gump after him, Stockdale has a knack for transcending his ignorance and the cynicism of those surrounding him, jumping serenely from situation to situation with a goofy smile on his face, while everyone else in his vicinity suffers for their sins. No one suffers more than his sergeant, Orville King (Myron McCormick in an Oscar-worthy comedic performance), whose longing for a nice, quiet life is constantly shattered by Stockdale’s innocent shenanigans.

If this sounds familiar, it’s because Griffith used the concept as the basis for his Mayberry spin-off Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C., in which Jim Nabors’ mechanic character assumed the Stockdale role. Watching No Time for Sergeants, however, it’s clear that Griffith was better-suited to play the part.

The movie’s stage roots remain evident throughout, but this does little to lessen its enormous entertainment value. The talented cast (which includes Don Knotts in one scene that pairs him for the first time with his future TV partner) easily rises above some of the film’s more predictable set pieces, earning genuine laughs. —Allan Mott

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Cold Turkey (1971)

The first and last directorial effort of legendary TV producer Norman Lear (All in the Family), 1971’s Cold Turkey lacks the bite of Robert Altman’s Nashville or the verisimilitude of Michael Ritchie’s Smile, but it suggests Lear could have become as gifted a cinematic satirist as either, if he had wanted. Like the best comedies of the era, the movie mixes genuine laughs with incisive social commentary, much of which feels even more relevant now than it must have 40 years ago.

Dick Van Dyke stars as an ambitious reverend stuck in the dying town of Eagle Rock, Iowa. His only hope for escape is that the government might open a munitions plant in the area, but that’s dependent on the town significantly improving itself to deal with the influx of people such a project would bring. Desperate, he and the town’s mayor (Vincent Gardenia) jump at the offer dreamed up by Big Tobacco lobby ad man Bob Newhart to pay $25 million to any town that can convince its entire population to quit smoking for a whole month.

The locals are wary. The smokers are upset they’re the only ones asked to make a sacrifice, while the town’s right-wing coalition worries such a collective effort reeks of old-fashioned communism. Both groups eventually are persuaded by the reverend’s eloquence and — in the right-wingers’ case — the chance to form an authoritarian militia dedicated to keeping fellow citizens from lighting up. The town soon earns national media attention (as represented by the classic comedy duo Bob and Ray) and profits from the exposure, but at what cost?

Lear mines comedy gold out of his characters’ greed and uniquely American political views. As darkly absurdist as the climax may be, it seems like a mild stretch away from what actually would happen if this scenario played out in real life — his only real misstep being the inclusion of an actor in a truly terrible Richard Nixon mask in place of a fictionalized president. Beyond this, Cold Turkey is significant for featuring the first musical score composed by Randy Newman, whose beautifully cynical theme song, “He Gives Us All His Love,” sets the tone perfectly. —Allan Mott

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4 Movies I Saw in a Theater in 1995 and Only Barely Remember

1. Hackers — The only memory I have of this movie is the sound of someone audibly gasping the first time they saw Angelina Jolie onscreen. Luckily, I was the only person in the theater at the time, sparing me any unwanted embarrassment.

2. Johnny Mnemonic — More like Johnny Made-My-Butt-Numbic, right? Zing! I still got it!

3. Virtuosity — If there were an award for Most Ironic Movie Title of 1995, this Denzel Washington pic would still be too shitty to win it.

4. Destiny Turns on the Radio — When I was 20, I once went to see a movie just because Quentin Tarantino acted in it. If I could back in time, I’d totally kick myself in the nuts. —Allan Mott

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Never Too Young to Die (1986)

Today, Steven Paul is best known (if at all) as the guy who keeps Jon Voight working in such modern crapsterpieces as Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, Karate Dog and Bratz, but back in 1986, he was busy trying to live down the failure of his infamous 1982 Kurt Vonnegut adaptation, Slapstick (of Another Kind), which likely will go down in history as the worst movie ever made based on a book by a modern literary master.

Apparently, Hollywood decided four years was long enough to leave him dangling before allowing him to co-write and produce Never Too Young to Die, a strange attempt to create a new action franchise that tried to fuse the retro campiness of ’60s secret agent movies with the gender-bending campiness of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Needless to say, it didn’t work.

Future Full House icon John Stamos plays Lance Stargrove the (teenage?) son of American secret agent Drew Stargrove (George Lazenby, who presumably got the part because Roger Moore read it and told Paul and company to go fuck themselves), who’s killed attempting to stop an evil scheme to turn the nation’s drinking water into radioactive sludge by a hermaphroditic maniac named Velvet Von Ragner (Gene Simmons, summoning the collective spirits of John LaZar and Tim Curry). Lance is aided in his mission to avenge his father’s death by his glamorous partner Danja Deering (ex-Prince associate and Tanya’s Island star Vanity, who isn’t quite hot enough to make up for the fact that she’s one of the worst actresses of all time) and his (boarding school/college?) roommate Cliff (Peter Kwong), an Asian gadget genius.

Directed by TV vet Gil Bettman, Never Too Young to Die clearly was meant to stand out from the ’80s action crowd, but its overt attempts at over-the-top campiness only serve to highlight how boring and generally crappy the rest of the film is. Simmons obviously had a fun time playing his version of an Adam West Batman villain, but his giddiness only serves to prove how bland Stamos and Vanity are in comparison. Because of this, the implied sequels never happened and the chances of Stamos ever appearing in an Expendables entry turned to naught. Somehow, however, Paul managed to keep on working, if only to give his friend, Voight — who gets a songwriting credit (!) in this flick — a much-needed paycheck every now and then. —Allan Mott

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