Kicked out of college for running a casino party and crashing a sleep study on nocturnal penile tumescence, eighth-year seniors Auggie (Clark Brandon, My Tutor) and Drew (Randal Patrick, Weekend Warriors) are forced to devise a full-time scam. Their answer: Turn Drew’s family’s gas station into a gas station-themed burger eatery. That it looks like a set from kidcom Saved by the Bell is of less concern than hiring Michael J. Pollard (Tango & Cash) to man the grill.
Col. Sanders had his secret blend of 11 herbs and spices; Auggie lucks upon a formula that unlocks the brain’s repression of sexual urges. He tests it by mass-Mickeying their catering gig for a sorority cotillion. It works so well, the hired band vocalist tells the crowd, “Wait a minute, I feel a little different! Let’s rock and roll!”
Because Auggie already radiates rapey vibes (“Here’s to swimmin’ with bow-legged women” is his pickup line) and no scruples, he slathers it on the restaurant’s patties. I don’t understand that business plan, but lo and behold, neither does Fast Food. This Zapped!-inspired setup doesn’t really take hold until the final third, and even then, nudity is as absent as healthy menu items. Otherwise, this thing contains all the ingredients for your (below-)average 1980s teen comedy: wet T-shirt contest, record scratch on the soundtrack, fast-speed montage, guy playing broom guitar, timely W.C. Fields impressions.
If history remembers Fast Food, it’s only for being former porn star Traci Lords’ first movie with an MPAA rating tamer than an R. She’s stunt-cast as a spy for competing burger franchise mogul Wrangler Bob Bundy (Jim Varney, who’s basically doing Ernest P. Worrell in different headwear). Under the spell of the sex sauce, she strips to a PG-13-friendly bra and panties.
Director Michael A. Simpson ports over several members of his Sleepaway Camp II and III cast, including Pamela Springsteen (sister of Bruce) and Tracy Griffith (half-sister of Melanie). The latter gets the movie’s single laugh, asking Auggie, “Don’t you have somewhere else to be? Like in custody?”
Brandon and co-star Lanny Horn (Homework) wrote the screenplay. Their collaboration is so artless, Hamburger: The Motion Picture looks like the Dardenne brothers by comparison. —Rod Lott