A Russian scientist’s experiment creates killer spiders of unusual sizes. They’re shipped on a Colombia-bound commercial airliner in precariously stacked and unsecured wooden crates marked “CARGO.” A turbulent takeoff knocks the crates over, spilling those arachnids.
From those British blokes behind Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey comes the pound-ante Spiders on a Plane, a ridiculous tardy mockbuster, given Snakes on a Plane landed nearly two decades ago. ITN Distribution could learn a lot from its American counterparts at The Asylum, whose Snakes on a Train not only ripped off the Samuel L. Jackson vehicle, but beat its release date by three days!
Regardless of calendar failings, Spiders on a Plane exists. And even with its abbreviated running time of 78 minutes, your attention will not be caught in a web; to the contrary, you will have it with these motherfucking spiders on this motherfucking plane. They eventually take out the pilot so some influencer girls have to land the 747. Before then, one of those girls (Lila Lasso, Snake Hotel) Mile-High Clubs it with a stranger, while in an adjacent restroom, her guy friend (Gaston Alexander, Mary Had a Little Lamb) unloads a massive amount of diarrhea as he inserts a contact lens. He doesn’t notice the teeny-weeny spoder crawling on the lens until he gets bitten on the eye.
All of the eight-legged freaks are CGI. Some of them look real — or, rather, real enough, while some look like wind-up toys. The lone giant tarantula looks like a pineapple with pipe-cleaner legs. At least these spiders resemble actual spiders (which cannot be said of ITN’s creaky Spider in the Attic), but Lord knows why director Ben J. Williams (Tsunami Sharks) allowed the arachnids to make chittering noises like they’re xenomorphs. Mayday! Mayday! —Rod Lott