Satan is a truly unholy pain in the ass, but many times I feel that homegrown satanists are even worse; white trash teens brandishing their stepdaddy’s antique .22, mishearing things on heavy metal albums and wreaking irritating havoc like shooting squirrels in a constant need for pathetic attention. Because that’s real life, right?
In movies, however, satanists always have Eurotrash accents, wear expensive clothes and are followed by an army of silent drones to do their bidding. “If only,” I found myself saying as I watched Baphomet, a film released by Cleopatra Entertainment, the long-standing Goth record label that, I guess, is now fully entrenched in the movie business.
A pregnant woman (Rebecca Weaver) is staying at her family’s ranch when a slimy dude comes by, looking to buy the property — the guy, by the way, is the son of a high-ranking Satan-lover. When they tell him no, the devil worshippers get wicked-horny on them, killing the son-in-law in a shark attack (!) and the mother in a rattlesnake attack (meh).
The expectant woman decides to contact Cradle of Filth rocker Dani Filth — by instant messenger, natch — who in turn hooks him up with a movie-approved good witch who helps them take down the flippant satanists when they suddenly appear at their ranch, in a shootout sequence that eats up much of the film’s short running time.
There’s also a demon who suddenly appears at the end — I’m guessing that’s the titular Baphomet, but don’t quote me on that. He’s only onscreen for a few scant moments to strangely kill the cult leader, which seems pretty counterproductive if you ask me, but maybe he’s … a good guy?
For a horror film from a Goth record label, it does about as well as it can, which, sadly, is not very. It’s far too talky and — in the case of Dani Filth — far too silly to ever be believable, at least for me. But, you know, make a movie about a couple of kids throwing rocks through a church window and setting the Bible on fire in the woods while rocking out to Megadeth, then you guys might have a good movie. Might. —Louis Fowler