Many a 1980s teen comedy chronicled the wacky lengths to which horny teens would go on their quest to lose their virginity. Today, those boys and girls — and the real-life boys and girls who viewed those movies on HBO and VHS, often surreptitiously — are adults and have become parents of their own sex-crazed children, so it makes sense for 21st-century Hollywood to turn the well-worn trope on its, um, head. In fact, Blockers may be the first film to focus on Mom and Dad’s efforts to rein in the young ones’ genitalia.
It’s senior prom night for a trio of lifelong besties, and the blondest, whitest one (Kathryn Newton, Paranormal Activity 4), wants to make the special event extra-special by popping her proverbial cherry at the hotel after-party. Her pals (relative newcomers Geraldine Viswanathan and Gideon Adlon) decide they want in on the action as well. As millennials are wont to do, they make it official by christening it with its own hashtag: “#SEXPACT2018.”
Intercepting the girls’ emoji-laden group text of penetration plans, their respective parents (Vacation’s Leslie Mann, Trainwreck’s John Cena and Sisters’ Ike Barinholtz) aim to cock-block their daughters and their prom dates. Can you blame them? As a father myself, I cannot, especially since one boy ingests enough drugs to fail a month of pee tests, while another wears a fedora.
Blockers is one of those raunchy mainstream comedies rendered nearly superfluous by its tell-it-all trailer, which chronologically ticks through many laugh-baiting scenes like a highlight reel — most notably, a butt-chugging beer competition between young and old. Other audience-pleasing bids are saved for the actual feature, but all share a troubling element: They’re not as funny as they should be. Each lacks the payoff that first-time director Kay Cannon sets up, over and over. From in-limo vomiting to blindfolded sex play, the sequences end abruptly, like a DJ fading out a Top 40 pop hit before the song reaches its bridge. The Pitch Perfect movies she wrote contain more laughs, not to mention bite, so long as you do not confuse R-rated talk with, er, balls (and you shouldn’t).
To be fair, Cannon didn’t pen Blockers, which is credited to brothers Brian and Jim Kehoe. If the siblings’ script amuses, but is hardly a gem sparkling with wit, our three grown-up leads do their best to give it a polish. Mann, Cena and Barinholtz may not operate with clockwork timing, but they’re likable one and all. Cena shines in particular, deliberately railing against the pro-wrasslin’ persona that made him a star by playing a goofball whose heart is larger than both biceps. Although you wouldn’t know it from his extended cameo in winter’s Daddy’s Home 2, he continues to be something of an American treasure in the big, dumb American comedy genre. Here’s hoping his next starring role leans into his charm, and away from his big, dumb anus. —Rod Lott