Happy birthday, Angela!* This is such a momentous one — the big 25! OMG, does the time fly! — that I’ve got a really special gift in store for you: me.
I don’t mean sexually, so please don’t take it that way (although I’m told I do work wonders with a crucifix 😉 LOL). What I mean is that I, Satan, will take possession of your mind, body and spirit. All you have to do is “accidentally” cut your hand and bleed on your birthday cake, K? I’ll take it from there. (Don’t ask me how; I’m not sure I could explain it myself — trust me.)
They say that possession is nine-tenths of the law, and I say it’s equally not so bad. At first, you won’t even notice; you’ll just be really thirsty, but hey, nothing that chugging an Ozarka or two can’t quench! I might also order a raven to break through the windshield of the bus you ride and nip at your bandaged hand — don’t think of it as a “bite,” but more of a “love nibble.” That namby-pamby boyfriend of yours** will freak out over it — duh! — so we’ll just downplay it like no big whoop.
Later, your very presence will cause distress to others — nothing too terrible: Flowers will wilt; an orderly will stab out his eyes. You will feel the sudden need to yank the taxi cab’s steering wheel into oncoming traffic and/or parked cars, but I promise not to kill you; I just want to upset your tight-ass father.*** Oh, and one minor detail: Then I gotta put you in a coma for 40 days.
When you wake up, you’re gonna whisper at the walls and get so much attention for it! That’s what you “millennials” crave anyway, right? Attention? (No need to answer — I totally know it’s a “yes” because I frickin’ created the whole self-absorption thing, and then I invented social media to help spread it. Girl, you should see my Facebook stock! #insidertrading
Anyhoo, gotta bolt, so Imma cut this short and say that once I get all up in there and take over, I’m gonna play things out just like that hit comedy The Exorcist, except with diversity among the Catholic priests**** and way more property damage and … well, y’know, you’re legally bangable. Not that I pay much attention to your government’s “rules” and “regulations.” (Truth be told, I shit upon them.)
Basically, the whole thing will be pretty boring to anyone on the outside looking in, but it’ll be fun for me, and that’s all that matters. Not to take anything away from your big day, though. At least not in the long-term. I have many, many friends in the publishing biz*****; I’ll get you a book deal to make up for the inconvenience.
Laters, babe!
Satan
—as told to Rod Lott
*Olivia Taylor Dudley, Chernobyl Diaries
**John Patrick Amedori, The Last Stand
***Dougray Scott, Taken 3
****Ant-Man’s Michael Peña and Furious 7’s Djimon Hounsou
*****James Patterson, Stephenie Meyer, Nicholas Sparks, E.L. James, Mitch Albom, etc.