If it looks like Andy Sidaris, walks like Andy Sidaris and talks like Andy Sidaris … well, it’s probably Andy Sidaris. But it’s also The Lost Empire, which has the distinction of being the debut film of Jim Wynorski, whose thirst for the big breast is Sidaris’ equal and trumped only by Russ Meyer.
The bountiful babe at Empire’s creamy center is Melanie Vincz (Hunk) as blonde policewoman Angel Wolfe who goes undercover, Charlie’s Angels style, on a not-so-secret island fortress. Ruled by religious nutso Dr. Sin Do (Phantasm’s Tall Man, Angus Scrimm), the place is the site of an annual $25,000 “spiritual competition,” which advertises for contestants in the classifieds. Joining Angel in the mortal combat are another large-chested blonde (Angela Aames, Bachelor Party) and, to shake things up, a large-chested brunette (Raven De La Croix, Screwballs).
There’s much more to the story, but damned if it makes sense, and doubly damned if Wynorski means for it to: ninjas with yo-yo stars, a ridiculously phallic laser gun, Lemurians using scientific secrets into tangible jewels that glow as red as a monkey’s ass. Speaking of, there’s also a gorilla; De La Croix punches him in the face and kicks him in the balls and, therefore, makes a play straight for your heart.
Sloppy and scrappy, the pic bears the sensibilities of the three magazines present on Angel’s boyfriend’s coffee table: Playboy, Mad and King-Sized Cracked. Wynorski fills the minutes with everything he can jam in — robot spiders, Angelique Pettyjohn — as if he would not get the chance to make another movie. We know now that certainly wasn’t the case, but there once was a time when Wynorski made some blasts of B movies, rather than the softcore dreck he grinds out today. —Rod Lott