Good ’n’ bloody ’n’ cheap, the martial-arts movie Shaolin vs. Manchu begins with a five-minute introduction of all the various Shaolin kung fu styles. Only then do we get to the (as the uproarious trailer puts it) “excellentent plot,” in which the young monk with the entirely indigenous name of Rocky (Ling Man-hoi) is selected to be the Shaolin temple’s new chief abbot.
This move pisses someone off, so Rocky is wrongly accused of rape and thrown out of the monastery with broken feet, but only after a nighttime attack by ninjas, one of whom has an exposed butt crack. It’s all a setup by one of the crooked prince’s spies, of course, so Rocky must clear his good name, oust the evil abbot and retrieve the Shaolin’s stolen relics.
Does he succeed? You know the answer. But I bet you didn’t know a Manchu warrior gets drunk to the point where he dumps a bowl of greens on his head and laughs about it. C’mon, admit it. —Rod Lott