With Enemy Gold, Andy Sidaris handed the directorial reins over to his longtime stunt coordinator, son Christian Drew Sidaris, who remains true to his father’s cinematic vision. Andy served as executive producer of this lensed-in-Dallas epic, which begins with a Civil War flashback before settling in to its plot of a team of secret agents — two tanned muscle-men and the oft-showering and improbably nippled Suzi Simpson as Becky Midnight — stumbling upon buried treasure.
Also wanting the booty (as in gold, that is – not Simpson) is Santiago (Rodrigo Obregon), a slimy, Spanish strip-club owner. To aid him, he enlists the help of the Amazonian, large-booted Jewel Panther (Julie Strain), as adept at fireside ninja demonstrations as she is at shooting park rangers with flare guns. Alleged Beltway plaything Tai Collins appears as the agents’ boss, although you wouldn’t know it from the first half of the film, in which she either lounges around in the sauna or in bed. It is hard to determine which of the three female leads is the worst actress, but Simpson wins by a nip.
Flowing readily from co-writer Christian’s pen are exchanges such as one in which male lead Chris Cannon (Bruce Penhall) discusses the agents’ newest weapon of defense: crossbow arrows with tips that “explode three seconds following penetration.” Becky replies, “Like old boyfriends.” Rimshot! The best line, however, comes after a naked lady in a shower asks Santiago, “What’s up?” and he says, “I am.” (Get it? He means he totally has a boner.)
Although mindless, Enemy Gold is chock full of those magical Sidaris touches that makes the film well worthwhile; if it’s not the arrow-cam, it’s the scene where one of the baddies gets killed by a tree. —Rod Lott