Former pro wrestler Jesse Ventura amateurishly headlines his own terrible Terminator rip-off in Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe, written and directed by Ski School‘s Damian Lee. Ventura stars as the 11,862-year-old title character, an intergalactic cop known as a “finder.” In the prologue, he’s “finding” Secundus (Sven-Ole Thorsen, Mallrats), a Schwarzenegger sound-alike seeking a fertile female whom he can impregnate with his hand, and Sonia (Marjorie Bransfield, a former spouse of Jim Belushi, who cameos) has the unfortunate experience of housing the nearest womb.
Here’s the part I still can’t understand: Secundus plants his seed in Sonia to hide some “anti-life formula” that could result in the world’s end, knowing it will be implanted in the resulting child’s brain. So years later, Secundus comes looking for the kid so he can extract the formula. Why not save all the trouble and simply not give the formula away? Or God forbid, memorize it?
Anyway, wherever Secundus goes, Abraxas follows, ready to uphold the good of the universe. (Another thing: If the fate at the entire universe were at stake, why send only one guy?) Secundus isn’t above slaughtering innocents to find his child, who has never spoken a word and harbors the uncanny ability to make others wet their pants. Abraxas seems less interested in keeping the kid alive than he is in getting busy with Sonia. See, in all his nearly 12,000 years alive, he’s never so much as kissed a woman.
Ventura is no credible action hero. In fact, without his trademark shaved head and beard, he looks an awful lot like a hospital janitor or a proud member of the crew at your corner Jiffy Lube. His constant blank stare and wooden line readings make me wonder if he was faring well in his role as a steel-reinforced cyborg or simply not acting at all; I choose the latter. —Rod Lott