In the 1980s, we as a nation did some crazy things. We grooved to Toto. We bought “Baby on Board” signs. And we allowed the phrase “a Topps Chewing Gum Production” to appear on theater screens. I blame all the cocaine.

Until Tim Burton unleashed Mars Attacks!, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie was the only film in cinema history based on trading cards. Rather than use a slew of the Cabbage Patch Kids parodic and puerile characters, this PG-rated adaptation hand-picked seven: Valerie Vomit, Windy Winston, Foul Phil, Nat Nerd, Messy Tessy, Ali Gator and Greaser Greg — respectively known for barfing, farting, pants-pooping, pants-peeing, snotting, eating toes and possessing a switchblade. They’re all played by little-people actors in bizarre costumes with minimal facial movement, rendering them more nightmarish than intended.

The Garbage Pail Kids live in a trash can carelessly contained within the detritus of Manzini’s Antiques, owned by the flamboyant, suspiciously single Cap’n Manzini (Anthony Newley, Doctor Dolittle). His lone employee is the 14-year-old apparently homeless orphan named Dodger (Mackenzie Astin, TV’s The Facts of Life), whose in-store scuffle with bullies accidentally lets the brats out of the can. Although Windy Winston greets Dodger by farting in his face, the boy becomes fast friends with the lot, yet pines for a frizzy-haired skank named Tangerine (telenovela actress Katie Barberi).

While helping Dodger nail Tangerine’s attention and affection through the power of trashy fashion, the Garbage Pail Kids are more interested in making mayhem. To wit, they steal a soda truck (“We’re the Pepsi generation!” exclaims Valerie), sneak into a movie theater to see Stoogemania (shown in clips to pad the running time and grant comparative sophistication), crash The Toughest Bar in the World (where Winston lets loose a toot so noxious, it removes the mustache from the bartender’s face), and watch Dodger bathe (but let’s not get into that).

Director/co-writer Rod Amateau (you can’t spell “amateur” without him!) made a legendarily bad film here, but it’s watchable in group jaw-dropping sections of mockery. For a movie made for children, it possesses several scenes of questionable taste, like having the Garbage Pail Kids rip off models’ dresses at Tangerine’s climactic fashion show. What’s worse: That the movie has its titular things sing an original song about teamwork or that Astin spends the third act in a little Chippendale’s bow tie? —Rod Lott

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