Sung to the tune of “The Muffin Man”: Do you know the pumpkin manThe pumpkin man, the pumpkin manOh, do you know the pumpkin manIn Jack-O, he’s very lame Because good Christians in the olden times don’t cotton to sorcerers, a man by the last name of Kelly kills a warlock. To get revenge, that … Continue reading Jack-O (1995)
Bruceploitation veteran Charles Bonet (Fists of Bruce Lee, et al.) graduates to his own vehicle in the modern-day Death Promise as — now here’s a stretch — Charley. The young Puerto Rican is living his best life in the worst of Manhattan when the landlord of his shitbox apartment tries to force out all the … Continue reading Death Promise (1977)
For what is the best clutch-popping, beer-guzzling, NOS-injecting, B-cup-bearing, door-breaking, bitch-punching, helicopter-dangling, car-chasing, Mercedes-thieving, school bus-jumping, foot-pursuing, gun-shooting, murder-witnessing, flight-missing, lady-snatching, jockstrap-taunting, Siamese food-eating, window-breaking, bar-brawling, pinball machine-slamming, house-exploding, tire-flying, 2×4-swinging, fist-throwing, gravity-defying, truck-revving, gas-bombing, bridge-leaping, motorcycle-riding, Riggs-and-Murtaughing stunt-stunting movie ever made, you must see Action U.S.A.! For William Smith in aviators, diamonds on a … Continue reading Action U.S.A. (1989)
Commercially available under the alternate, slightly more generic title of Bloody Movie, Nick Marino’s Terror Night gathers a bunch of D-list has-beens ripe for the dispatching, including Alan Hale Jr., Aldo Ray, Dan Haggerty and Flick Attack Hall of Famer Cameron Mitchell. But don’t worry — the usual 20-somethings playing teenagers get killed, too. The … Continue reading Terror Night (1987)
Made in the dead of a Wisconsin winter, Trapped Alive (or simply Trapped to some) begins as a crime thriller, ends as a subterranean slasher, and fails to fully succeed at either. It’s not for a lack of trying. Late on Christmas Eve, three felons break out of prison. Led by the port-wine-stained Face (Alex … Continue reading Trapped Alive (1988)